To The Praise Of His Glorious Grace

It appears that I am a terrible blogger.  It's been two months since I've blogged.  Granted my life has been in a little bit of an upheaval since learning that our lives are going to be changing drastically on or around January 25th (hopefully not after :-)  However now that I'm feeling better I'm making more of an effort to keep up with something that I really do enjoy.  Unfortunately I fear that my blog post today will make some of you melancholy, though that is not my intent in the least.

Most of you know that Will and I have been blessed by God to become parents in 5 short months.  However many of you do not know that we are already parents.  Many of you are probably scratching your heads and wondering what in the world I'm talking about.  Last December Will and I became parents to a wee little one in Heaven.  This was undoubtedly one of the darkest times of my life and as my due date, July 27, 2011 approached  and passed I wanted to talk about the amazing work God completed in my life during the past 7 months.

We found out we were expecting our first little one about two weeks before Thanksgiving 2010 and were ecstatic that God would bless us in this way.  Thanksgiving held a different meaning for us last year.  We couldn't wait to break the news to our families and were making plans for fun Christmas gifts to let them in on our secret.  

The first few days of December brought with them fear, pain, and the knowledge in my heart that our little one was not long for this world.  I spent a lot of time crying out to God to protect what we had been yearning for.  I also spent a lot of time just plain crying.  Will was a wonderful support to me during this time and I was and continue to be thankful for how he loved me even when I wasn't very loveable.  

During this time God made Himself very present to us in the form of two friends.  The best part is that until we told them about this recently they had no idea God had used them in such a way in our lives.  On December 3rd I had the first of several blood tests to confirm that I was losing our precious baby. That night Will was with a friend who casually mentioned that he and his wife would be more than willing to talk to us about miscarriage or infertility if those were ever concerns for us.  

When Will came home that night and told me the story I was blown away by the implications.  While God may not have answered my pleas the way I wanted He was letting us know that He was providing support for us and realized that we were going through a difficult time.  While we didn't take the friend up on the offer we felt peace in knowing that God was aware of our situation and was guiding our lives in His perfect way. 

God used another friend who shared a timely poem about Christmas through the eyes of a miscarried baby in Heaven to further encourage us, and more specifically me.  This was especially encouraging because Christmas was nearing and our hearts were breaking.  Again I felt God's strength which I sorely needed.

I spent a lot of time reading my Bible and on my knees begging God to show me why we had to experience such euphoric excitement followed by the depths of despair.   God brought me to a realization that I had somehow lost track of in my sadness.  That realization was that God and only God knows the perfect will for my life.  There are so many things that I know nothing about but praise God that He can see the big picture and knows exactly what I need.

Unfortunately I am human and a sinner and while in my head I understood that God had His best in mind for me when I lost our baby it was hard to remember that in my heart when my arms ached to hold our wee little one.  I began to get sad and upset hearing (what was to everyone else) the joyful news of other lady's pregnancies.  I wondered why God allowed them to get pregnant but I couldn't keep my baby.   It was a terrible, selfish feeling and I'm not proud of myself for feeling that way. 

I was also frustrated that another pregnancy didn't seem to be in God's immediate plans for our lives.  In hindsight I realize that yes, His plan really is perfect as I was not spiritually or emotionally ready to deal with a 2nd pregnancy.   And throughout all this time the words of a song sung at our wedding reverberated through my mind.  To The Praise Of His Glorious Grace.  Was I praising God's grace in my life in this situation?  One verse in particular spoke to my heart which did not want to listen:  

Providentially ruling all things,
To conform to the end He designed,
He mysteriously governs and brings
His eternal, wise plans into time.
He works out every step, every trace,
To the praise of His glorious grace.

Ironically enough it wasn't until Mother's Day that I finally gave my burden of frustration, anger, and sadness over to God.  I finally felt the peace I had been seeking for several months.  I was able to rejoice with friends who were expecting and think back on the short little life of my baby without tears or anger.   And I knew in my heart as well as my mind that just like the words written by D.A. Carson stated, God works out every part of our lives and His plan for our lives and the life of our little one was perfect and best for us.

Shortly thereafter God blessed us unexpectedly with a positive pregnancy test.  We were exuberant, yet reserved in the wake of our loss last year.   But God continued to provide encouragement, the best of which was being able to hear the melodious sound of our baby's heartbeat.  

However I was aware of the approach of July 27th, the day on which we had expected our first little one to make his or her entrance into our world.  Thankfully I was reasonably busy on that day and did not have time to dwell on what it meant.  When I finally did have time to reflect I shed a few tears which were a mix of sadness at the empty feeling in my arms and happiness in knowing that our precious baby was in Heaven with our Savior who loves our baby much more than we ever could.  It's a comfort to know that our baby is being taken care of and loved by the only one I know that can do it better than we could have.  Again I was reminded of the song and God's plan for our lives that was set into motion long before creation.

While I of course wish that I had my baby in my arms right now I am thankful for God's loving care and provision in my life.  I am thankful for all the things God taught me during this time, truths I possibly would not have learned had I not had to go through this trial.  God used this trial to strengthen me beyond what I thought capable and I am grateful that I serve a God who knows everything and cares deeply for even the most innocuous parts of my life.  I take comfort in the knowledge that even if I don't know the path upon which my life is headed God, my Heavenly father who loves me so much that He sent his own son as a sacrifice for my life, is in control.

To The Praise Of His Glorious Grace:

With astonishing mercy and power;
In accord with His pleasure and will
He created each planet, each flower,
Ev'ry galaxy, microbe, and hill.
He suspended this planet in space
To the praise of His glorious grace.

To the praise of His glorious grace.

Providentially ruling all things,
To conform to the end He designed,
He mysteriously governs and brings
His eternal, wise plans into time.
He works out every step, every trace,
To the praise of His glorious grace.

To the praise of His glorious grace.

We were blessed in the heavenly realm
Long before being included in Christ.
Since we heard the good news, overwhelmed,
We reach forward to seize Paradise.
We shall see Him ourselves face to face
To the praise of His glorious grace.

To the praise of His glorious grace.

- D. A. Carson