Baby Brain

No...I didn't say baby on the brain.  I said Baby Brain.  Literally the baby is stealing my brain cells.  There is research to back my conclusion, I just can't remember where I found it right now :-)  Convenient, I know....

But seriously....it started with being a little forgetful.  Ya know, when you can't remember the word you want when you want to use it.  Or you can't find your keys, oh wait that happens even when I'm not pregnant.  Then the strange stuff started happening.  Like I put a sealed plastic bag of....oh stink, I can't remember the word (baby brain).....um fondant!  Marshmellow fondant!  Anyway I put a sealed bag of marshmallow fondant in the cupboard reserved for my plates and bowls.  I couldn't find it for days and then finally found it when I went to get a bowl down for cereal.  

So tonight I was making a cake and I had stirred everything together (or so I thought), put it all in a pan, stuck it in the oven, and set the timer.  I came back in a minute or so later to put some things away in the kitchen and I noticed my half cup of oil still sitting on the counter.  With Will already licking out the mixing bowl I wasn't really sure what to do :-)  I finally decided on mixing the oil into the pan of cake batter with a whisk.  It turned out fine but I was a little stumped as to how I could have missed that.  Quite frankly I'm amazed that my homemade pizza dough has been turning out nicely lately.

Poor Will....

To The Praise Of His Glorious Grace

It appears that I am a terrible blogger.  It's been two months since I've blogged.  Granted my life has been in a little bit of an upheaval since learning that our lives are going to be changing drastically on or around January 25th (hopefully not after :-)  However now that I'm feeling better I'm making more of an effort to keep up with something that I really do enjoy.  Unfortunately I fear that my blog post today will make some of you melancholy, though that is not my intent in the least.

Most of you know that Will and I have been blessed by God to become parents in 5 short months.  However many of you do not know that we are already parents.  Many of you are probably scratching your heads and wondering what in the world I'm talking about.  Last December Will and I became parents to a wee little one in Heaven.  This was undoubtedly one of the darkest times of my life and as my due date, July 27, 2011 approached  and passed I wanted to talk about the amazing work God completed in my life during the past 7 months.

We found out we were expecting our first little one about two weeks before Thanksgiving 2010 and were ecstatic that God would bless us in this way.  Thanksgiving held a different meaning for us last year.  We couldn't wait to break the news to our families and were making plans for fun Christmas gifts to let them in on our secret.  

The first few days of December brought with them fear, pain, and the knowledge in my heart that our little one was not long for this world.  I spent a lot of time crying out to God to protect what we had been yearning for.  I also spent a lot of time just plain crying.  Will was a wonderful support to me during this time and I was and continue to be thankful for how he loved me even when I wasn't very loveable.  

During this time God made Himself very present to us in the form of two friends.  The best part is that until we told them about this recently they had no idea God had used them in such a way in our lives.  On December 3rd I had the first of several blood tests to confirm that I was losing our precious baby. That night Will was with a friend who casually mentioned that he and his wife would be more than willing to talk to us about miscarriage or infertility if those were ever concerns for us.  

When Will came home that night and told me the story I was blown away by the implications.  While God may not have answered my pleas the way I wanted He was letting us know that He was providing support for us and realized that we were going through a difficult time.  While we didn't take the friend up on the offer we felt peace in knowing that God was aware of our situation and was guiding our lives in His perfect way. 

God used another friend who shared a timely poem about Christmas through the eyes of a miscarried baby in Heaven to further encourage us, and more specifically me.  This was especially encouraging because Christmas was nearing and our hearts were breaking.  Again I felt God's strength which I sorely needed.

I spent a lot of time reading my Bible and on my knees begging God to show me why we had to experience such euphoric excitement followed by the depths of despair.   God brought me to a realization that I had somehow lost track of in my sadness.  That realization was that God and only God knows the perfect will for my life.  There are so many things that I know nothing about but praise God that He can see the big picture and knows exactly what I need.

Unfortunately I am human and a sinner and while in my head I understood that God had His best in mind for me when I lost our baby it was hard to remember that in my heart when my arms ached to hold our wee little one.  I began to get sad and upset hearing (what was to everyone else) the joyful news of other lady's pregnancies.  I wondered why God allowed them to get pregnant but I couldn't keep my baby.   It was a terrible, selfish feeling and I'm not proud of myself for feeling that way. 

I was also frustrated that another pregnancy didn't seem to be in God's immediate plans for our lives.  In hindsight I realize that yes, His plan really is perfect as I was not spiritually or emotionally ready to deal with a 2nd pregnancy.   And throughout all this time the words of a song sung at our wedding reverberated through my mind.  To The Praise Of His Glorious Grace.  Was I praising God's grace in my life in this situation?  One verse in particular spoke to my heart which did not want to listen:  

Providentially ruling all things,
To conform to the end He designed,
He mysteriously governs and brings
His eternal, wise plans into time.
He works out every step, every trace,
To the praise of His glorious grace.

Ironically enough it wasn't until Mother's Day that I finally gave my burden of frustration, anger, and sadness over to God.  I finally felt the peace I had been seeking for several months.  I was able to rejoice with friends who were expecting and think back on the short little life of my baby without tears or anger.   And I knew in my heart as well as my mind that just like the words written by D.A. Carson stated, God works out every part of our lives and His plan for our lives and the life of our little one was perfect and best for us.

Shortly thereafter God blessed us unexpectedly with a positive pregnancy test.  We were exuberant, yet reserved in the wake of our loss last year.   But God continued to provide encouragement, the best of which was being able to hear the melodious sound of our baby's heartbeat.  

However I was aware of the approach of July 27th, the day on which we had expected our first little one to make his or her entrance into our world.  Thankfully I was reasonably busy on that day and did not have time to dwell on what it meant.  When I finally did have time to reflect I shed a few tears which were a mix of sadness at the empty feeling in my arms and happiness in knowing that our precious baby was in Heaven with our Savior who loves our baby much more than we ever could.  It's a comfort to know that our baby is being taken care of and loved by the only one I know that can do it better than we could have.  Again I was reminded of the song and God's plan for our lives that was set into motion long before creation.

While I of course wish that I had my baby in my arms right now I am thankful for God's loving care and provision in my life.  I am thankful for all the things God taught me during this time, truths I possibly would not have learned had I not had to go through this trial.  God used this trial to strengthen me beyond what I thought capable and I am grateful that I serve a God who knows everything and cares deeply for even the most innocuous parts of my life.  I take comfort in the knowledge that even if I don't know the path upon which my life is headed God, my Heavenly father who loves me so much that He sent his own son as a sacrifice for my life, is in control.

To The Praise Of His Glorious Grace:

With astonishing mercy and power;
In accord with His pleasure and will
He created each planet, each flower,
Ev'ry galaxy, microbe, and hill.
He suspended this planet in space
To the praise of His glorious grace.

To the praise of His glorious grace.

Providentially ruling all things,
To conform to the end He designed,
He mysteriously governs and brings
His eternal, wise plans into time.
He works out every step, every trace,
To the praise of His glorious grace.

To the praise of His glorious grace.

We were blessed in the heavenly realm
Long before being included in Christ.
Since we heard the good news, overwhelmed,
We reach forward to seize Paradise.
We shall see Him ourselves face to face
To the praise of His glorious grace.

To the praise of His glorious grace.

- D. A. Carson 

Hey Ash, do you need a good cry??

Wow, it's been a really long time since I've posted on here.  My apologies.  I'm sure you've missed me terribly ;-).  Things have been crazy busy at our house with finishing up construction projects and taking care of numerous orders for my new business . So I've taken my hiatus and I'll try to be better in the future.

FYI: You might want a Kleenex or two, or the box.  Yeah, get the box.


In his spare time, which he doesn't have much of, Will has been watching Ken Burns' Civil War documentary on Netflix. He just finished with the first episode and as I was walking past he said, "Hey, do you need a good cry?"  Always a glutton for punishment I was curious so I came and sat down on the couch next to him while he cued the final scenes from the documentary.  Soon they were reading the letter of a US Army Major named Sullivan Ballou.  He had written this letter to his wife as they were preparing to move to a new location.  


While the letter was being read aloud the song Ashokan Farewell came on.  This song alone is a very moving piece, but using it as the background to the letter put me over the edge.  I was a mess of tears as I listened to the words Army Major Ballou had written so very long ago on July 14, 1861.  In one of the most eloquent letters I have ever heard, he pours out his love for God, family and country and his regrets for a life he wished he could have lived better.  I was able to find the letter online and thinks it's worth the time it will take you to read it.  I was moved to tears and am so thankful that people like this man have gone before me and made sacrifices so that I can enjoy the freedom we have today.  I may be a week late for Memorial Day but shouldn't we be thankful everyday to those men and women who sacrificed their lives for our freedom?   Unfortunately Major Ballou did give that greatest sacrifice.  He died during the first battle of Bull Run on July 28, 1861, a mere two weeks after he wrote that letter.  

July the 14th, 1861

Washington D.C.

My very dear Sarah:

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure—and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine O God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.

But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows—when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children—is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar—that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the brightest day and in the darkest night—amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours—always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again.

As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue-eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.

Sullivan

I like to serve my cake on the floor!

Tonight I was a cake baking fiend!  I made a strawberry cake, double fudge cake, a white cake and a peanut butter cake for various cake ball/pop orders that I have going on.  Unfortunately the cake baking night coincided with what could possibly be my worst food mishap of 2011.  It's a really busy week for Delightful Bitefuls with roughly 300 cake balls and 50 cake pops needing to be finished by Saturday.  Oi, I get a little stressed just thinking about.  That being said, every minute counts and I'm micromanaging my time. 


So I had just finished crumbling my first ever peanut butter cake that would soon be turned into peanut butter chocolate cake balls for a baby dedication (it smelled fabulous!).  I got up from my workspace with the bowl of crumbled peanut butter cake in hand and headed to get the frosting.  Then, the unthinkable happened.  I tripped and peanut butter cake crumbs went flying!  I laughed SO hard.  I think it was either laugh hysterically or cry, so I chose laughter, which was probably a wise choice.  Anyway, it was quite a mess and wouldn't ya know that it's really hard to sweep up uber moist peanut butter cake crumbs from a wood floor.  But on a side note I found out my cats like peanut butter.  And please, no worries Miss K, I didn't save the crumbs I swept up, I'll make another cake tomorrow morning :-)

Oh Football, How I've Missed You!

Just a word of warning: This is a UofM Football Nerd Post.  You've been warned.


Today I was able to do one of my most favorite things with my most favorite person.  I got to go to the Big House and watch UofM football.  Yes, I know it's not fall.  But that doesn't really matter to me because I LOVE football, especially UofM football!  I know, I know, I'm a girl and all that, but does that really matter either?  Psssh, I give that an emphatic NO!


Will and I decided to take a little weekend away and left for Ann Arbor Friday morning.  We visited a couple antique stores, a couple book stores, some UofM clothing stores (where I got an adorable knit UofM hat), and drove around the UofM campus which is gorgeous!  Then Friday afternoon we were able to go on a tour of the football team's locker room.  Walking in and seeing all those helmets lined up in the lockers was pretty awesome:

After we walked through the locker room we were able to walk down the tunnel onto the field.  It was neat to know that the guys walk through there on game day!

Being out on the field was a great experience too.  I felt so small out there standing with Will on the giant "M":

And finally today we sat in the Big House to watch the results of the team's spring practicing.  It felt good to be back in the Big House and I'm loving this tradition that we started last year!  The band was also there and I always love hearing them play!

Please note the adorable knit UofM hat Will bought for me :-)

As we were walking back to our car after the game we saw a couple of the players signing autographs for little kids which was really cute.  THEN all of a sudden I could hear pounding feet coming up behind me and several guys yelling.  I felt like Simba in the herd of wildebeests in The Lion King.  Several football players including Troy Woolfolk and Kenny Demmens went flying past.  It was interesting to hear them talking and goofing around:

So all in all it was a great weekend which included a trip to Blimpy Burger where I felt like I perspired grease after we left :-)  AND I can't wait for football to get started for real!